Expiation
by Salmiakkikarkki
Summary: "Somehow the act that for anyone else would have proven the outmost loyalty, for John had meant the outmost betrayal". Drabble. John/Cortana. Post Halo 4, revived!Cortana.


A/N: Whops, I haven't updated anything in a while. On top of it all, I'm not even adding this to my one-shot collection, because this is too short and too AU-ish inside my headcanons. And as much as I feel apprehensive about the idea, I really wanted to write a what if –scenario, where Cortana would have been aware of the Longsword events beforehand, and how this would affect her and John's relationship if John would find out. I was too intrigued to write some sort of fighting scene between them, however, this might be little on the OOC category, since it's still little difficult for me to picture those two fighting with each other. But, hope you enjoy!

* * *

 **Expiation**

They were fighting – again.

Given that they hadn't even spent 72 hours together after her revival, they were already fighting their third big fight.

It was noteworthy, since not even the stress and pressure of saving the world from who-knows-what on so many times had never made them angry at each other.

Now, out of all that, far away of every previously mapped parts of Universe, away from UNSC and manmade responsibilities, when they should have just been them, they were fighting.

Even Kelly, Fred and Linda had decided to leave the room. Maybe they had taken some hint of the tension between them and their earlier less than formal exchange of words.

But underneath the cool surface it was easy to notice from their wary eyes that the Blue team was somewhat shocked, Kelly was the loud one and Linda's rage was known not to be messed with. But John, him being so _out of control,_ desperate even, had clearly unnerved his teammates. And Cortana could only start guessing all the incidents that had taken place during their hunted down exodus.

She wasn't shocked, she knew John; even at times when he didn't seem to know himself. No, the rise of a tone and sharper retorts weren't surprising, but a strong message that between Longsword and now, John just might have come to be little more aware of himself.

He had mourned and been lost, and now he was just angry and more at lost. She had seen it enough many times in his brainwaves and calculated it in his hormone levels. The panic under all that control, and the pain and anger for all the enemies and wrongdoers.

It was only good that he would for once let it out.

He had every right in the universe to shout, maybe not at her, but who cares.

But she had far less idea why she was shouting as well.

She should be over that. She wasn't angry at him, she wanted to past all that anger and jealousy of having to endure Gravemind on her own, of waiting for him at Forward Unto Dawn – equally alone – having to die for his future, and to make him really see her. But even if she might have carried some anger, there was bigger amount of understanding, and even bigger amount of care for the man in front of him. The anger not having enough power to accumulate into hate and need to shout.

Still, it was somehow about him. It wasn't Chief who could to some extent be argued back with reason and logic. She could very, very well give them the next coordinates, share information and guidance for the next move, show that, please, she could still be trusted. But then again, with John, words would always fell short.

How dare he question her senses and knowledge? He had trusted her over the questioning by Lord Hood, over Rampancy. And now with her sanity restored, feeling better than she had since Halo's control center so many years ago, she was less trustworthy.

 _How much do you really value humanity, John?_

And she was arguing back when he questioned the next course of action. Argued back even though she knew it did know good on neither one of their image in front of the others. Shouted back because that was the last thing they should have done now when they finally had a small amount of time for each other.

In the end, somehow the move that for anyone else would have proven the outmost loyalty, for John had meant the outmost betrayal.

Knowing about her death and relenting to the decision for the sake of greater good she had made a choice similar to ONI, similar to Librarian, running over his autonomy, and made him suffer only to hope it would work out in the end.

The concept of Mantle of Responsibility, his humanity, supposed changes in UNSC and other hazy visions from the High Charity, being far, far too abstract point to be compared with the pain he had been forced to live with the past year.

And by saving him, she had destroyed a part of him.

By being forced to take the next step towards their future, in reality they had taken indefinite amount of steps back.

And so anger was now the only way left to show that she _did_ care – that she was still loyal to him. That for her he was the only one who…

She needed to prove herself as human. Maybe as much to herself as to him.

So, she shouted back because it was needed significantly more than some unobtrusive approvals or intimate apologies that would have just served as dismissive chat. Anger was needed to show that she was as affected as he.

And they fought, because for now, it seemed to be the only remotely plausible way for expiation.

For both of them.


End file.
